spontaneous recovery

salamat sa spontaneous recovery...andito na naman ako.

you make it difficult for me to...argh.

and corny but just when i thought i am over you..saka ka naman...nakakainis. nakakairita. wala ko magawa.

siguro miss lang talaga kita. siguro nga. 

anyway, just be happy. and please just let me be.

napaka-ironic kung paano dati sobrang nagtatampo ako na hindi ka nagpaparamdam after mo sabihin na ma-mimiss mo ko..ng sobra sobra.

at ngayon nga na nagparamadam ka na, s***! mahirap pala. siguro kasi matagal na din. matagal na din akong nag-try na kalimutan, mag-move and all that shiz..pero, ayun after 10 months, 11 days, 2 hours and so-so minutes, magsasabi ka ng mga bagay na inakala ko noon e kasinungalingan lang...ansarap sana magmura pero hindi ako ganun,e..

anyway hemingway, haba na naman ng sinabi ko at lahat ito tungkol pa din sayo...nyeyeyeyeye.

ayoko na plez. tama na.  

1st of March

today I really intended not to use my umbrella...

because I was hoping you'd share yours with me.

But I ended up getting wet.


When they asked about the most memorable gift i ever gave someone..

I told them that it was that stupid stressball i gave to him,

But it was actually that shirt i gave you.


I was just afraid to tell the truth because it will definitely complicate things.
And i don't want that.

to those who need this...

Just when you thought love is tapping you on the shoulder, you’d later realize it’s telling you to move out of the way because it still isn’t your turn.

            People often mistake the sweetness of someone for love. Sometimes, you get too carried away by simple gestures of affection. You get the wrong idea not only because of those gestures but also because you assume. To assume is one of the bravest things to do because you take the risk of getting hurt. You see things the way you want and not the way they really are. Later on, you find yourself hating the same person you crazily fell for because of your unrequited feelings. You hate them, even despise them because you got hurt thinking it was love, waiting for it to be returned. People end up saying that love hurts. But love doesn’t hurt. Loneliness does, rejection does, losing someone does. Yet love remains to be one of the greatest feelings you would ever experience.

            We do not need a finish line to know when to stop. Sometimes, we just need to stop because we have to and not really because we want to. Letting go is braver than fighting when you know you would eventually lose. In the end, you would realize that you are perfectly happy without that someone or something you thought you needed the most. But that someone, may it be your greatest dream, your worst nightmare or even just a fantasy, will always have a place in your heart for making your life a little crazier. And the love that you got so much of in your heart – use this to heal yourself first. There are a lot of unwritten stories waiting to be inscribed in your life.  Love, hate, let go, move on...But what is best for now is a new beginning. Don’t be hasty and don’t wait. Later on, you would have a love story better than what you expected.

            Don’t ruin a flower anymore trying to find out if that someone loves you or not. If they do, you don’t have to try being a part of their lives because they will be the one to make an effort to be a part of yours. Life is about choices. What you cannot subdue, you must forget. Then, move on.

            

a letter

To my dear friend,

“We cannot make bargains for blisses,

Nor catch them like fish nets;

And sometimes the thing our life misses

Helps more than the thing which it gets.”

(Nobility by Alice Cary)

            I have known your story and how it seems to end up the way you feel it is going to. I cannot tell you that I know how it feels because I really don’t know. But I understand you. You are like a brother to me. I listened to your stories, shared moments about her, talked with her about you. We laughed about your silliness and craziness about her. We watched you. We helped you and did all we can as your friends to make things work out. But now, just as the way we laughed, we will cry with you. I know you hurt. And this is all I can do.

            I didn’t want this to sound so serious nor to sound too dramatic, but oh well. What I want to tell you is that maybe you feel like you failed but you did not. You did not. It’s not about getting what you wanted; it’s about learning things you didn’t expect to bump into. Maybe, what you were supposed to get from all of these is not the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but the rainbow itself – the whole journey of following the rainbow to its end.

            “We cannot make bargains for blisses.”

            When you told yourself that you like her, you started to do those crazy, foolish things people do when they are oh-so-in-love. But it’s ok. You’re normal. (haha) Remember that we cannot bargain for blisses. If it is for us, it is for us.  I remember, when I was rummaging through some old stuff at home, I saw a bookmark with a short message in it saying: “If you let go of a bird and it comes back to you, it is yours; if it doesn’t, it was never yours.”

            We just need to let things be, we just need to let people be. I know how much she means to you not just from all the things you did for her, but because I know. And knowing this, I don’t want you to hurt more than you are now.

“Nor catch them like fish nets;

Happiness is something you do not seek, it finds you. Of course, I want you to be happy. But maybe, you are working so hard for this that you seem to forget that you cannot catch them like fish nets. Let the fish come to you. I know you tried your best. But maybe you are using the wrong net. Or maybe it doesn’t want to be caught yet and it fights back no matter how hard you try to haul it.

“And sometimes the thing our life misses…helps more than the thing which it gets.”

Yes. They do. I don’t know if this is one of them. It is for you to figure out. No one can ever tell you what to do now but these are just pieces of words you need to pick up and find the meaning for yourself, from what you truly feel. You know, when you are so deep into thinking about a certain thing, or you are simply overthinking (like I always do), sometimes you end up too confused and the answers to your questions stare you in the face and you don’t realize it. Sometimes, it’s ok that things don’t make sense now because at some point they will. And the things we don’t get – maybe we don’t get them now but maybe someday; or it could be because there are better things waiting for us.

“If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much:

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!”

(“IF” by Rudyard Kipling)

            This too shall pass. You will be a man. Be strong, dear friend. Choose to be happy. ^_^

*a letter i wrote for my dearest friend and brother, Gian Jeremy Suyat. ^__^

                                                                                                            

of letting go

September 23, 2010

It’s been two days now. Wow. I never imagined myself forgetting such date…your birthday.

For the past six years, I have tied myself to a love so faithful yet so elusive, so pure yet so naïve, a love so true but was never returned.

I took care of the feelings I had, filled it with memories, with words; so I would forget that we are now on our separate ways. Every year, for the past six years, I longed to see you whenever I go home. I wished I could see you, even for a moment. And yes, we actually live in a small town, and I got to see you, even talk to you. Well, than was even better than what I had wished for.

But sometimes, wonderful things are like surprises, they don’t last forever.

I think I almost forgot how you looked when I last saw you. I only remember watching you fool around like you always do, with that clean white t-shirt on, cracking your silly jokes and being the center of attention. But, I like it when you fool around. I like it when you make a fool of yourself, when you become silly. I like them. And yes, I missed you.

I believe we are again nearing another end yet for me this could be a beginning.

Six years. Can you imagine? It’s funny how simple, little things matter to a person and even during times when it doesn’t make sense. August is my favorite month. But I also love the month that comes after. This year, I celebrated my birthday on a Tuesday, and so did you, although yours is 3 weeks after mine.

 Remember how I used to call you on your birthday since we went off to college? I love birthdays because it reminds us that we have a life to celebrate and a life to fulfill. I call you up because I want to remind you that you will always be special to me. I am not asking for anything in return, maybe, this is just my way of saying, “Hey! I miss you. I care.” 

But this year was totally different. I never thought I’d forget. But I did. I actually did.

Surprised? I don’t know either. I guess, this is life’s way of telling me, “You have a life, which does not involve him anymore.”

I, myself, am surprised of the fact that I forgot that it was your birthday, a day I had always looked forward to, hoped for. But now, it seems that the thought got out of my system. And I think, you did, too.

Isn’t it amazing? I just realized a day after that I just got over you. Yes. I did. I did.

After six painful years of loving you wholly and selflessly, I got over you. It’s just so hard to believe that it took me six years before I forget all the hurt you’ve caused, most of the time, unintentionally. And I am truly happy. I am sincerely happy that I actually did. After doing those foolish, crazy things for the never-perfectly-defined “love” I had for you, I never thought this day would happen. And here I am now, writing yet another piece of me I’d like to share to you.

I just wish that you’ll always be truly happy. I used to believe that although you were one handsome, crazy, indecisive, immature, funny guy, I know you have an inner compassion and gentleness in you. I believed in you. Well, I still do. But maybe, I was just foolish to think I would be the one to bring that out and also, you didn’t let me. But I still believe in you, the “you” I knew and have always loved.

Sometimes, it’s also good for things to be kept unsaid, unexplained because someday, they will be asked and one can only be sure if the person says it in your face with words and talks of the eyes. For the past six years, I never really got the chance to tell you how I feel but I don’t want to. Although, there were times that I thought the only way I could forget you was to tell you everything. But I stopped myself. Because it could make things worse and our friendship would be at risk. I never want that to happen. I will tell you everything, someday.

For now, let me tell you a secret. You know why I loved you the way I always did?

Because although I felt that you know how I feel for you, you never took me for granted. And so, I found myself loving you more. You never took me for granted. You respected me. And I loved you more.

And that is why maybe this day has finally come to make me realize that I have to respect myself too. I loved too much that I forgot to love myself. How can you truly love when you don’t feel love within you?

Well, this isn’t goodbye. I choose to keep the friendship. I’ll also keep the memories. But, for most of the part of the six years, I let go. It’s self- preservation not bitterness. Bitterness creates more rooms of sorrow and suffering in one’s heart, until it kills and love dies a painful death. And hatred will take over.

Happiness is a choice.

And now, I choose to let you go.

P.S. Please always know that I loved you...and when you read this…this is someday.

friends and lovers

                For the past two years that I’ve been a part of my dearest organization, I’ve seen a lot of love being spread and shared. But this school year is kind of different. Different in a way that a lot has happened between all of us and that there’s already a lot of love being shown by couples in the org.

                I used to tease Myra and Toby when they were just freshmen students groping for belongingness in the university. Until after a few months, they eventually got together. Then, came this couple that I consider my “project”. I love seeing them together and teasing them. And well my “project” turned out to be an excellent JC couple. Angel and Giro were simply perfect. But sometimes, just like school projects, that project of mine eventually went down the drain ’cause they decided to just go on their separate ways. It was totally devastating for me but there was nothing I could do.

                Anyway, like I was saying, 2010 was totally different. From the together-we’ll-be-forever Toby and Myra, came other interesting love interests, attempts at relationships, failures in getting together and of course, officially being called a couple. Cliché as it may sound but it was a roller coaster ride for all of us. I was a witness to all this love affairs and dramas. I was always the in-between. Oh yes, I was. Crazy roller-coaster/Viking/bump car ride…

                Now, there are four couples in the organization. Myra-Toby, Kim-Brad, CJ-Ranel, Kimbebe-Gian.

                And as I watch them being with each other, caring for each other, I feel sincerely happy for them, and they’ve always known that. I am happy because just as what my favorite line from the movie Moulin Rouge says: “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”

                But when your friends find someone they want to be with, sometimes things change. Of course I don’t want them to but they did.

                I’ve got nothing much to say about Myra and Toby. I’ve seen how much they care for each other and even give them advices during the times they were having troubles. 

                Kimbebe and Gian’s story is a far more complicated one. But now, I am truly happy for them because of how things are perfectly going for their relationship. And the best part is, (and I think the best part and most important part of a relationship) both of their families have talked and they get together when they can. It’s really amazing! And they are really lucky to have each other.

                Kim and Brad is my favorite couple. Kim is like my bestfriend in college and Brad is one of the few people who really know me. I love seeing them together and how things are turning out between them. I just simply love them.

                CJ is my thesis partner, my confidante, my partner-in-crime. She is the best thesis partner anyone can have. Ranel is like my guy bestfriend in college. Of course, there’s Billie and Ian, my bestest friends but Ranel and I have been friends since my first year in UP.

                Ranel and I used to live in the same dormitory before. With Kim, Billie, Ian and Gian, we used to walk home together. He tells me almost everything about big decisions in his life. I was even supposed to be a correspondent for Tinig ng Plaridel (official student publication of Masscom) during the 2010 USC elections, but I said I can’t because I promised Ranel I will support him no matter what and I’ll be part of his personal campaign team. So I did. I spent late nights for dormitories and room to room campaigns.

I even know the girls he liked and the things he did for them. I felt that we were closer than before and I was happy knowing I had a friend like him. I really considered him a very close friend. Oh, you might wonder if I liked him. Oh no. I don’t. And this is the funny part. Before they were together, CJ even thought that I love him, as in romantic love. Oh no, no, no. I love him, the platonic kind of love. He knows that, everybody knows that. I just find it funny for people to suspect I like him. And CJ and I just laughed about it.

So much of that like-love issue, I am really happy seeing CJ and Ranel together and I can also feel how happy Ranel is. I know this is what he really deserves for being such a great guy. I am truly happy because they are happy.

However, things do change. And lately, I’ve felt this change and it made me sad. It’s not jealousy or something; it’s just that we don’t talk much like we did before and sometimes I miss that. Ranel has always been honest, sometimes rough, most of the time nice to me but nowadays, he’s being hard on me and always telling me to stop doing this and that, to leave him alone. I don’t know. I just feel really bad at how things are going. Many of our friends and orgmates may have noticed how I always teased him or make fun of him just like I always did. We’ll, I’m sorry for being rude and mean but sometimes, I just feel it’s just that I miss the friendship we had before. When I was mean to him before things got real heavy, he would just frown and tell me, “Grabe ka naman.” But now, when I tease him or joke by making fun of him, he would tell me “Tumigil ka nga” or “Pakialam mo”. Am I too harsh? I mean, I was like that to him before and it was all a joke and everybody knows that. But have I been too much? Or is it because he changed?

 Of course, I simply want my friends to be happy. And now that they are, I want them to stay that way. Maybe this is just one of those rants you feel when your friend gets together with somebody. But I am not jealous. Oh no, don’t get the wrong idea. It’s just that I miss the old friendship we had.

I really do hope that things will turn out to be better for the coming months before I graduate. And I will still treasure every kind of friendship I have with these people because they are the truest friends I have along with my other orgmates.

Myra and Toby, keep the love you have and let it grow. Kimie and Brad, this is just the beginning. Kimbebe and Gian, you have a really strong relationship and stay inspired like you are now. As for my brother and sister by heart, Giro and Angel, I do hope love will find its way back into your hearts. CJ and Ranel, I could’nt wish for anything else but for you to stay happy and together.

Ranel, I’m sorry for being mean.  Sorry if I’ve hurt you with my words. I know you hate me sometimes but this is how I am. I’m sorry and please understand. You are still one the greatest friends I have.

daddy's girl

Lately, I’ve been down thinking about how I suck about hiding my feelings and being ok at the same time.  Yes. Corny has been in my life for however long, I don’t remember.

Just last Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I was so happy, so happy I can’t even explain nor hide it. It was the kind of happiness you feel when you experience things being there at their right places. I was just genuinely, deeply, simply happy. Period.

And well, that period could be considered a pun because just this week, I’ve felt my head heat up and I haven’t felt that for the longest time. I was mad. I don’t know. I was jealous, maybe. Well, theres’ this guy and I really like him, I don’t know why. And I see him everyday and we do a lot of things together, with our friends of course. He’s even one of the reasons why last week was just awesome. Then, this shiny red balloon came tumbling my way just to ruin my perfect little happy life. (exaggerating..haha)

I was so annoyed that I felt like bursting. You know how it feels to like somebody and hear that somebody share a secret about how he likes this girl. Argh. The drama of it all…sucks.

So I was kind of feeling down and all that jealousy killing me. It was crazy.

Then, last Thursday  at around 2:30 p.m. while I was intently listening (yes, I was) to interest rates and money supply in our Econ 100.1 class, I suddenly heard my phone ringing. I immediately seized it from my bag and took the call. My dad answered and asked whether I was in class and so obviously I said I was. (I was even jotting down notes while we were talking). Then he asked me if I went outside because I took his call and I said, ok, I’m going out.

Of all the phone calls that make your heart swell, nothing beats your dad calling you up just to say, “Hey! I miss you. I miss my little girl.” And literally and figuratively, that call took my worries away. Yes. He called me up just to tell me he misses me and to know if I was ok, if I was doing fine.

All the bad vibes I’ve been breathing in lately just came out through a sigh. I was just surprised and really happy. I mean, I’m 20 years old, I take care of myself while I’m here in Manila. But that’s the thing…being 20 years old and being by yourself makes it all better knowing that your dad just called to tell you how much he misses you.

So, when I went home that day, I was telling myself, “Oh! Don’t be such a drama queen. You’ve been wasting your time on guys who don’t even realize your worth and you blog about them, and they hurt you but here is one guy, who loves you for nothing and cares for you more than you could ever imagine…a dad who calls you up at 2pm just to tell you he misses you. What more can you ask for? (seriously!)

So, I brush off my frown and smile for my dad who is miles and miles away from me but never fails to remember. I know he might not be able to read this (unless I let him), but I want him to know that he will always be the #1 guy in my life and I love him no matter what.

Thank you Tatay for taking my troubles away. You will always be the best Dad. And I’ll always be your little girl.

January 15, 2010 4:05 am