of letting go

September 23, 2010

It’s been two days now. Wow. I never imagined myself forgetting such date…your birthday.

For the past six years, I have tied myself to a love so faithful yet so elusive, so pure yet so naïve, a love so true but was never returned.

I took care of the feelings I had, filled it with memories, with words; so I would forget that we are now on our separate ways. Every year, for the past six years, I longed to see you whenever I go home. I wished I could see you, even for a moment. And yes, we actually live in a small town, and I got to see you, even talk to you. Well, than was even better than what I had wished for.

But sometimes, wonderful things are like surprises, they don’t last forever.

I think I almost forgot how you looked when I last saw you. I only remember watching you fool around like you always do, with that clean white t-shirt on, cracking your silly jokes and being the center of attention. But, I like it when you fool around. I like it when you make a fool of yourself, when you become silly. I like them. And yes, I missed you.

I believe we are again nearing another end yet for me this could be a beginning.

Six years. Can you imagine? It’s funny how simple, little things matter to a person and even during times when it doesn’t make sense. August is my favorite month. But I also love the month that comes after. This year, I celebrated my birthday on a Tuesday, and so did you, although yours is 3 weeks after mine.

 Remember how I used to call you on your birthday since we went off to college? I love birthdays because it reminds us that we have a life to celebrate and a life to fulfill. I call you up because I want to remind you that you will always be special to me. I am not asking for anything in return, maybe, this is just my way of saying, “Hey! I miss you. I care.” 

But this year was totally different. I never thought I’d forget. But I did. I actually did.

Surprised? I don’t know either. I guess, this is life’s way of telling me, “You have a life, which does not involve him anymore.”

I, myself, am surprised of the fact that I forgot that it was your birthday, a day I had always looked forward to, hoped for. But now, it seems that the thought got out of my system. And I think, you did, too.

Isn’t it amazing? I just realized a day after that I just got over you. Yes. I did. I did.

After six painful years of loving you wholly and selflessly, I got over you. It’s just so hard to believe that it took me six years before I forget all the hurt you’ve caused, most of the time, unintentionally. And I am truly happy. I am sincerely happy that I actually did. After doing those foolish, crazy things for the never-perfectly-defined “love” I had for you, I never thought this day would happen. And here I am now, writing yet another piece of me I’d like to share to you.

I just wish that you’ll always be truly happy. I used to believe that although you were one handsome, crazy, indecisive, immature, funny guy, I know you have an inner compassion and gentleness in you. I believed in you. Well, I still do. But maybe, I was just foolish to think I would be the one to bring that out and also, you didn’t let me. But I still believe in you, the “you” I knew and have always loved.

Sometimes, it’s also good for things to be kept unsaid, unexplained because someday, they will be asked and one can only be sure if the person says it in your face with words and talks of the eyes. For the past six years, I never really got the chance to tell you how I feel but I don’t want to. Although, there were times that I thought the only way I could forget you was to tell you everything. But I stopped myself. Because it could make things worse and our friendship would be at risk. I never want that to happen. I will tell you everything, someday.

For now, let me tell you a secret. You know why I loved you the way I always did?

Because although I felt that you know how I feel for you, you never took me for granted. And so, I found myself loving you more. You never took me for granted. You respected me. And I loved you more.

And that is why maybe this day has finally come to make me realize that I have to respect myself too. I loved too much that I forgot to love myself. How can you truly love when you don’t feel love within you?

Well, this isn’t goodbye. I choose to keep the friendship. I’ll also keep the memories. But, for most of the part of the six years, I let go. It’s self- preservation not bitterness. Bitterness creates more rooms of sorrow and suffering in one’s heart, until it kills and love dies a painful death. And hatred will take over.

Happiness is a choice.

And now, I choose to let you go.

P.S. Please always know that I loved you...and when you read this…this is someday.