the letter M

I used to want to spend time with you. I used to hang out with you every chance i get. Sometimes, i even make ways so we can be together. And i was happy, I guess. No, I am saying this ‘cause i was hurt. I wrote you letters before that fateful night; letters which say how much you are making me happy. But now, i cannot say that you made me happy. I want to. But i was only happy cause i was with you and not because of you. I’v realized that. And i feel bad, somehow, realizing how stupid i was trying to spend time with you, doing those things we usually do when we’re bored or got nothing else interesting on our to-do lists when all this time, i was breaking inside. Damn this drama. But, i actually miss you. I really do.

You used to want to hang out with me. You used to always drag me into this spur of the moment things. There are even times when we suddenly realize that there wasn’t a day in a week that we weren’t together. And we’d have so much fun! Yet, somehow, I know you feel that something has changed now. Well, something really did change. We both know that. You know how much i value what we have or, to be more accurate, what we had. With you, it was different, that is why it was more painful.

Now i am running away from you. But you don’t seem to be coming after me. What do I expect? I can never expect. I shouldn’t. And maybe this is what i need. I think this will help. Although i know i need to get more used to being away from you than you do to me, I still hope you care. After all, we are friends. I’m sorry if i’m being unfair, but you know how i feel. You’ve been here before, right? I need this, so please understand. I still want you. I still think about you. I still hope. Because you know, to be honest, I keep hiding away from you hoping that you’ll find me. But i don’t want this foolishness anymore. I’ll continue hiding away from you even if i know that when you find me, you’ll find me but not my heart. So, I leave you and everything else we’ve had.

Maybe we’re better off this way. Yeah, maybe. I guess.

September 8, 2011

to someone i thought i knew

Dear stranger,

            For the longest time, I’ve been trying to write you letters, well, more of poems actually. And now I am writing to you again. But this time, I have no more reservations, I am no longer afraid because you already know the truth. I don’t know if telling you that was actually a good decision. But it proved to be good for me. It helped in a lot of ways but somehow, there’s a part of me which longs for what have been. I know that the moment i decided to tell you, things will eventually change. And I am the kind of person who easily gets bored with stuff. You may not know it but I easily lose interest in things. But not with you. And change is an irony between us.

            The past few days i’ve been wanting to go near those places again where i could see you. I am actually good at making excuses. I am. So, i try to stay around, even for a while giving the lousiest excuses i’ve invented. But i know i shouldn’t anymore. Although i want to live in peace, i know you’ll keep haunting me with those nights and drinks we had. Damn.

            Everything i did was mostly because of you. I wanted to make every moment last. I wanted to extend every second of the day so we could spend more time together. But, as i’ve heard and actually seen, i can only assume that you’ve found another company. Well, as you know, i am also good at assuming.

            Now, i keep on running away from you. I think i should. I should. I should stop. You’ve had too much of me but i never had you. And now everyday i am reminded of that. But this is going nowhere. We are going nowhere so I might as well stop.

            I don’t want to lose our friendship but i think i no longer need that. Let’s not be friends anymore.

P.S. i miss you.

~ Another Stranger

*September 5, 2011 (1:18am) 

reverie

I don’t know exactly how it felt like. It was like dream, a distant memory, a forgotten remembrance. I usually write down what I cannot say but this time, I said what I’ve been trying to compose for a long time.

I gave away a part of myself. No, it didn’t feel like that. It was actually more of, you took away something from me and I couldn’t do anything about it. I was just left perplexed.

And freeing that part of me didn’t actually liberate me but I felt like I was ensnared between what ifs and why not. It wasn’t supposed to end up this way but it did…not like what I was hoping for it would. I know you care but it feels like you don’t.

When you found me, I found you. Yet, I forgot how it felt like. I know I’ve been happy but now I doubt if I really was. Memories are as elusive as happiness.

I will now live in a different world. Away from you, I guess. This is not what I planned but all of that was my choice, after all. Change is inevitable but time will keep me company for awhile. I don’t know if I still want you…’cause sometimes, I’d run away from you, like I am doing now, but deep inside I want you to follow. Foolishness, they say.

But, things happened, words were said and we can no longer turn back time. That’s one of life’s consequences, sometimes, there are no second chances and even if we are given that, it’s not always the same. I do not wish for you to be miserable ‘cause that’s too immature. I wouldn’t wish for you to be find someone now ‘cause that’s would make me sound like a hypocrite. I just want you to know that you deserve to be loved but I believe you are not worth mine.

August 20, 2011 (McDo Philcoa)

sentiments

i miss it when i used to tell you to get a haircut and the following week, you sport a new one. i bet nobody's told you yet, but i think it's that time again.

i miss it when you used to secretly whisper to me or discretely tell me about some things you've been up to lately or things that simple interest you. i miss that.

i miss it everytime our inside jokes play out well and we just laugh our hearts out even if sometimes we are the only ones who can relate to it.

i miss those..ok, i miss you. isn't this proof enough.

i miss you. period.

reverie

Reverie

I don’t know exactly how it felt like. It was like dream, a distant memory, a forgotten remembrance. I usually write down what I cannot say but this time, I said what I’ve been trying to compose for a long time.

I gave away a part of myself. No, it didn’t feel like that. It was actually more of, you took away something from me and I couldn’t do anything about it. I was just left perplexed.

And freeing that part of me didn’t actually liberate me but I felt like I was ensnared between what ifs and why not. It wasn’t supposed to end up this way but it did…not like what I was hoping for it would. I know you care but it feels like you don’t.

When you found me, I found you. Yet, I forgot how it felt like. I know I’ve been happy but now I doubt if I really was. Memories are as elusive as happiness.

I will now live in a different world. Away from you, I guess. This is not what I planned but all of that was my choice, after all. Change is inevitable but time will keep me company for awhile. I don’t know if I still want you…’cause sometimes, I’d run away from you, like I am doing now, but deep inside I want you to follow. Foolishness, they say.

But, I’ve said what I’ve said. I will not speak to you of it again so I hope that you listened, and that you listened well. And this time, you must not only listen but you must feel… “I know you deserve to be loved but I believe you are not worth mine.”

August 20, McDo Philcoa (while waiting for Lianne)

Ulit

Halos limang buwan na ang nakakaraan mula ng maramdam ko ang naramdam ko para sa’yo. Tandang-tanda  ko pa yung araw na natakot ako sa nararamdaman kong iyon…na parang nagmamahal na naman ulit ako.

Pero, hindi. Hindi naman kita mahal. Yun ang sigurado ako. Gusto lang talaga kita. Gustung-gusto kita na hanggang sa inisip kong baka mahal na nga kita. Pero, hindi. Hindi pa naman ako umaabot sa ganoonng pakiramdam.

Marami nang nangyari. Nasaktan mo ko nang di mo alam, nang di mo sinasadya; at kung tama man ako, naramdam mo ang nararamdaman ko para sa’yo, at umiwas ka. Sobrang sakit pala nun. Dati sinasabi ko na siguro mas mabuti nang iwasan ka ng taong mahal mo kesa naman punuin ka niya ng mga masasayang alaala pero wala naman siyang balak na ipagpatuloy yun. Ngayon, sobrang nasaktan ako sa ginawa mong pag-iwas. Sobrang sakit. Sobra.sobra. Yun tipong naiiyak na lang ako nang hindi ko alam kung bakit. Pero, ganun talaga. Kapag nagmahal ka, masasaktan ka.

Pero, ngayon, gusto lang bumalik tayo sa dati. Bumalik tayo sa pagiging tunay na magkaibigan, na hindi naggagamitan, na walang lihim, na walang iwasan. Ikaw. Ako. Simple lang. Masaya ulit. Sana…

*Feb. 12, 2011 (11:57pm)

Hate

Hate is just a word you for somebody you love but no longer believe in the love you had.

            We engage in friendships, in relationships and eventually let ourselves drown in the crazy world of romantic love. You fall for those words, those simple letters, the surprises and all those sweet, silly things you can think about. You love like loving is all you can do. You love not realizing that by letting that someone take a part of you, that someone will eventually take over you. You love and let yourself be loved. And when you’ve already foolishly allowed yourself to enjoy that extreme but blissful roller coaster ride, it suddenly stops.

            All of a sudden, things become complicated. And sometimes you complicate things yourself. You overthink. You doubt. Then, the anguish of hurting swallows you like a monster, the scariest you’ve ever seen. You hurt, keep on hurting. Later on, the inevitable comes – HATE. You hate like hating is all that’s left to do. You hate like you’ve never learned to love before. You hate that someone. You hate that someone together with all the memories you once so cherished together. You hate the things that remind of all that you’ve had before. You hate even just the thought of that someone. You hate, even despise. And it makes you even harder to let go.

            But you have to. You must… because it’s all over. Hatred is not what you really feel. It’s all because of the what ‘ifs’. You don’t simply hate that someone. You’re just scared of facing the reality of not being together, of being alone again. But you don’t have to be. People leave us because their part in the story of our lives is over. And hatred is not the answer, it should never be.