Ulit

Halos limang buwan na ang nakakaraan mula ng maramdam ko ang naramdam ko para sa’yo. Tandang-tanda  ko pa yung araw na natakot ako sa nararamdaman kong iyon…na parang nagmamahal na naman ulit ako.

Pero, hindi. Hindi naman kita mahal. Yun ang sigurado ako. Gusto lang talaga kita. Gustung-gusto kita na hanggang sa inisip kong baka mahal na nga kita. Pero, hindi. Hindi pa naman ako umaabot sa ganoonng pakiramdam.

Marami nang nangyari. Nasaktan mo ko nang di mo alam, nang di mo sinasadya; at kung tama man ako, naramdam mo ang nararamdaman ko para sa’yo, at umiwas ka. Sobrang sakit pala nun. Dati sinasabi ko na siguro mas mabuti nang iwasan ka ng taong mahal mo kesa naman punuin ka niya ng mga masasayang alaala pero wala naman siyang balak na ipagpatuloy yun. Ngayon, sobrang nasaktan ako sa ginawa mong pag-iwas. Sobrang sakit. Sobra.sobra. Yun tipong naiiyak na lang ako nang hindi ko alam kung bakit. Pero, ganun talaga. Kapag nagmahal ka, masasaktan ka.

Pero, ngayon, gusto lang bumalik tayo sa dati. Bumalik tayo sa pagiging tunay na magkaibigan, na hindi naggagamitan, na walang lihim, na walang iwasan. Ikaw. Ako. Simple lang. Masaya ulit. Sana…

*Feb. 12, 2011 (11:57pm)

Hate

Hate is just a word you for somebody you love but no longer believe in the love you had.

            We engage in friendships, in relationships and eventually let ourselves drown in the crazy world of romantic love. You fall for those words, those simple letters, the surprises and all those sweet, silly things you can think about. You love like loving is all you can do. You love not realizing that by letting that someone take a part of you, that someone will eventually take over you. You love and let yourself be loved. And when you’ve already foolishly allowed yourself to enjoy that extreme but blissful roller coaster ride, it suddenly stops.

            All of a sudden, things become complicated. And sometimes you complicate things yourself. You overthink. You doubt. Then, the anguish of hurting swallows you like a monster, the scariest you’ve ever seen. You hurt, keep on hurting. Later on, the inevitable comes – HATE. You hate like hating is all that’s left to do. You hate like you’ve never learned to love before. You hate that someone. You hate that someone together with all the memories you once so cherished together. You hate the things that remind of all that you’ve had before. You hate even just the thought of that someone. You hate, even despise. And it makes you even harder to let go.

            But you have to. You must… because it’s all over. Hatred is not what you really feel. It’s all because of the what ‘ifs’. You don’t simply hate that someone. You’re just scared of facing the reality of not being together, of being alone again. But you don’t have to be. People leave us because their part in the story of our lives is over. And hatred is not the answer, it should never be.

Waking up

One of the best and most favorite things I love doing is waking up in the morning, earlier than anybody else. I just love feeling the cold, damp air from my legs up to my neck and down my spine. I love listening to the birds, waking people up with their chirping. I sit down by the pavement and watch jeepneys, motorcycles and cars pass by. It is the only time of the day I appreciate listening to the sound of the engine, to feel of the wheel rubbing against the cemented street. I sit there, watching the puny, red ants make its way onto the candy plastics and peanut peels lying on the ground, indicating a life standing above it a night ago.

I love watching the sun rise. It’s as if a new life is being born, suggesting a new today, a new hope; another day to spend, to be happy, to make others happy.

            Happiness comes to those who give love freely and who don’t demand that others love them first…be generous like the sun’s rays, which shine without asking first whether people deserve their warmth.

spontaneous recovery

salamat sa spontaneous recovery...andito na naman ako.

you make it difficult for me to...argh.

and corny but just when i thought i am over you..saka ka naman...nakakainis. nakakairita. wala ko magawa.

siguro miss lang talaga kita. siguro nga. 

anyway, just be happy. and please just let me be.

napaka-ironic kung paano dati sobrang nagtatampo ako na hindi ka nagpaparamdam after mo sabihin na ma-mimiss mo ko..ng sobra sobra.

at ngayon nga na nagparamadam ka na, s***! mahirap pala. siguro kasi matagal na din. matagal na din akong nag-try na kalimutan, mag-move and all that shiz..pero, ayun after 10 months, 11 days, 2 hours and so-so minutes, magsasabi ka ng mga bagay na inakala ko noon e kasinungalingan lang...ansarap sana magmura pero hindi ako ganun,e..

anyway hemingway, haba na naman ng sinabi ko at lahat ito tungkol pa din sayo...nyeyeyeyeye.

ayoko na plez. tama na.  

1st of March

today I really intended not to use my umbrella...

because I was hoping you'd share yours with me.

But I ended up getting wet.


When they asked about the most memorable gift i ever gave someone..

I told them that it was that stupid stressball i gave to him,

But it was actually that shirt i gave you.


I was just afraid to tell the truth because it will definitely complicate things.
And i don't want that.

to those who need this...

Just when you thought love is tapping you on the shoulder, you’d later realize it’s telling you to move out of the way because it still isn’t your turn.

            People often mistake the sweetness of someone for love. Sometimes, you get too carried away by simple gestures of affection. You get the wrong idea not only because of those gestures but also because you assume. To assume is one of the bravest things to do because you take the risk of getting hurt. You see things the way you want and not the way they really are. Later on, you find yourself hating the same person you crazily fell for because of your unrequited feelings. You hate them, even despise them because you got hurt thinking it was love, waiting for it to be returned. People end up saying that love hurts. But love doesn’t hurt. Loneliness does, rejection does, losing someone does. Yet love remains to be one of the greatest feelings you would ever experience.

            We do not need a finish line to know when to stop. Sometimes, we just need to stop because we have to and not really because we want to. Letting go is braver than fighting when you know you would eventually lose. In the end, you would realize that you are perfectly happy without that someone or something you thought you needed the most. But that someone, may it be your greatest dream, your worst nightmare or even just a fantasy, will always have a place in your heart for making your life a little crazier. And the love that you got so much of in your heart – use this to heal yourself first. There are a lot of unwritten stories waiting to be inscribed in your life.  Love, hate, let go, move on...But what is best for now is a new beginning. Don’t be hasty and don’t wait. Later on, you would have a love story better than what you expected.

            Don’t ruin a flower anymore trying to find out if that someone loves you or not. If they do, you don’t have to try being a part of their lives because they will be the one to make an effort to be a part of yours. Life is about choices. What you cannot subdue, you must forget. Then, move on.

            

a letter

To my dear friend,

“We cannot make bargains for blisses,

Nor catch them like fish nets;

And sometimes the thing our life misses

Helps more than the thing which it gets.”

(Nobility by Alice Cary)

            I have known your story and how it seems to end up the way you feel it is going to. I cannot tell you that I know how it feels because I really don’t know. But I understand you. You are like a brother to me. I listened to your stories, shared moments about her, talked with her about you. We laughed about your silliness and craziness about her. We watched you. We helped you and did all we can as your friends to make things work out. But now, just as the way we laughed, we will cry with you. I know you hurt. And this is all I can do.

            I didn’t want this to sound so serious nor to sound too dramatic, but oh well. What I want to tell you is that maybe you feel like you failed but you did not. You did not. It’s not about getting what you wanted; it’s about learning things you didn’t expect to bump into. Maybe, what you were supposed to get from all of these is not the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but the rainbow itself – the whole journey of following the rainbow to its end.

            “We cannot make bargains for blisses.”

            When you told yourself that you like her, you started to do those crazy, foolish things people do when they are oh-so-in-love. But it’s ok. You’re normal. (haha) Remember that we cannot bargain for blisses. If it is for us, it is for us.  I remember, when I was rummaging through some old stuff at home, I saw a bookmark with a short message in it saying: “If you let go of a bird and it comes back to you, it is yours; if it doesn’t, it was never yours.”

            We just need to let things be, we just need to let people be. I know how much she means to you not just from all the things you did for her, but because I know. And knowing this, I don’t want you to hurt more than you are now.

“Nor catch them like fish nets;

Happiness is something you do not seek, it finds you. Of course, I want you to be happy. But maybe, you are working so hard for this that you seem to forget that you cannot catch them like fish nets. Let the fish come to you. I know you tried your best. But maybe you are using the wrong net. Or maybe it doesn’t want to be caught yet and it fights back no matter how hard you try to haul it.

“And sometimes the thing our life misses…helps more than the thing which it gets.”

Yes. They do. I don’t know if this is one of them. It is for you to figure out. No one can ever tell you what to do now but these are just pieces of words you need to pick up and find the meaning for yourself, from what you truly feel. You know, when you are so deep into thinking about a certain thing, or you are simply overthinking (like I always do), sometimes you end up too confused and the answers to your questions stare you in the face and you don’t realize it. Sometimes, it’s ok that things don’t make sense now because at some point they will. And the things we don’t get – maybe we don’t get them now but maybe someday; or it could be because there are better things waiting for us.

“If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much:

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!”

(“IF” by Rudyard Kipling)

            This too shall pass. You will be a man. Be strong, dear friend. Choose to be happy. ^_^

*a letter i wrote for my dearest friend and brother, Gian Jeremy Suyat. ^__^