to those who need this...

Just when you thought love is tapping you on the shoulder, you’d later realize it’s telling you to move out of the way because it still isn’t your turn.

            People often mistake the sweetness of someone for love. Sometimes, you get too carried away by simple gestures of affection. You get the wrong idea not only because of those gestures but also because you assume. To assume is one of the bravest things to do because you take the risk of getting hurt. You see things the way you want and not the way they really are. Later on, you find yourself hating the same person you crazily fell for because of your unrequited feelings. You hate them, even despise them because you got hurt thinking it was love, waiting for it to be returned. People end up saying that love hurts. But love doesn’t hurt. Loneliness does, rejection does, losing someone does. Yet love remains to be one of the greatest feelings you would ever experience.

            We do not need a finish line to know when to stop. Sometimes, we just need to stop because we have to and not really because we want to. Letting go is braver than fighting when you know you would eventually lose. In the end, you would realize that you are perfectly happy without that someone or something you thought you needed the most. But that someone, may it be your greatest dream, your worst nightmare or even just a fantasy, will always have a place in your heart for making your life a little crazier. And the love that you got so much of in your heart – use this to heal yourself first. There are a lot of unwritten stories waiting to be inscribed in your life.  Love, hate, let go, move on...But what is best for now is a new beginning. Don’t be hasty and don’t wait. Later on, you would have a love story better than what you expected.

            Don’t ruin a flower anymore trying to find out if that someone loves you or not. If they do, you don’t have to try being a part of their lives because they will be the one to make an effort to be a part of yours. Life is about choices. What you cannot subdue, you must forget. Then, move on.

            

a letter

To my dear friend,

“We cannot make bargains for blisses,

Nor catch them like fish nets;

And sometimes the thing our life misses

Helps more than the thing which it gets.”

(Nobility by Alice Cary)

            I have known your story and how it seems to end up the way you feel it is going to. I cannot tell you that I know how it feels because I really don’t know. But I understand you. You are like a brother to me. I listened to your stories, shared moments about her, talked with her about you. We laughed about your silliness and craziness about her. We watched you. We helped you and did all we can as your friends to make things work out. But now, just as the way we laughed, we will cry with you. I know you hurt. And this is all I can do.

            I didn’t want this to sound so serious nor to sound too dramatic, but oh well. What I want to tell you is that maybe you feel like you failed but you did not. You did not. It’s not about getting what you wanted; it’s about learning things you didn’t expect to bump into. Maybe, what you were supposed to get from all of these is not the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but the rainbow itself – the whole journey of following the rainbow to its end.

            “We cannot make bargains for blisses.”

            When you told yourself that you like her, you started to do those crazy, foolish things people do when they are oh-so-in-love. But it’s ok. You’re normal. (haha) Remember that we cannot bargain for blisses. If it is for us, it is for us.  I remember, when I was rummaging through some old stuff at home, I saw a bookmark with a short message in it saying: “If you let go of a bird and it comes back to you, it is yours; if it doesn’t, it was never yours.”

            We just need to let things be, we just need to let people be. I know how much she means to you not just from all the things you did for her, but because I know. And knowing this, I don’t want you to hurt more than you are now.

“Nor catch them like fish nets;

Happiness is something you do not seek, it finds you. Of course, I want you to be happy. But maybe, you are working so hard for this that you seem to forget that you cannot catch them like fish nets. Let the fish come to you. I know you tried your best. But maybe you are using the wrong net. Or maybe it doesn’t want to be caught yet and it fights back no matter how hard you try to haul it.

“And sometimes the thing our life misses…helps more than the thing which it gets.”

Yes. They do. I don’t know if this is one of them. It is for you to figure out. No one can ever tell you what to do now but these are just pieces of words you need to pick up and find the meaning for yourself, from what you truly feel. You know, when you are so deep into thinking about a certain thing, or you are simply overthinking (like I always do), sometimes you end up too confused and the answers to your questions stare you in the face and you don’t realize it. Sometimes, it’s ok that things don’t make sense now because at some point they will. And the things we don’t get – maybe we don’t get them now but maybe someday; or it could be because there are better things waiting for us.

“If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much:

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!”

(“IF” by Rudyard Kipling)

            This too shall pass. You will be a man. Be strong, dear friend. Choose to be happy. ^_^

*a letter i wrote for my dearest friend and brother, Gian Jeremy Suyat. ^__^

                                                                                                            

of letting go

September 23, 2010

It’s been two days now. Wow. I never imagined myself forgetting such date…your birthday.

For the past six years, I have tied myself to a love so faithful yet so elusive, so pure yet so naïve, a love so true but was never returned.

I took care of the feelings I had, filled it with memories, with words; so I would forget that we are now on our separate ways. Every year, for the past six years, I longed to see you whenever I go home. I wished I could see you, even for a moment. And yes, we actually live in a small town, and I got to see you, even talk to you. Well, than was even better than what I had wished for.

But sometimes, wonderful things are like surprises, they don’t last forever.

I think I almost forgot how you looked when I last saw you. I only remember watching you fool around like you always do, with that clean white t-shirt on, cracking your silly jokes and being the center of attention. But, I like it when you fool around. I like it when you make a fool of yourself, when you become silly. I like them. And yes, I missed you.

I believe we are again nearing another end yet for me this could be a beginning.

Six years. Can you imagine? It’s funny how simple, little things matter to a person and even during times when it doesn’t make sense. August is my favorite month. But I also love the month that comes after. This year, I celebrated my birthday on a Tuesday, and so did you, although yours is 3 weeks after mine.

 Remember how I used to call you on your birthday since we went off to college? I love birthdays because it reminds us that we have a life to celebrate and a life to fulfill. I call you up because I want to remind you that you will always be special to me. I am not asking for anything in return, maybe, this is just my way of saying, “Hey! I miss you. I care.” 

But this year was totally different. I never thought I’d forget. But I did. I actually did.

Surprised? I don’t know either. I guess, this is life’s way of telling me, “You have a life, which does not involve him anymore.”

I, myself, am surprised of the fact that I forgot that it was your birthday, a day I had always looked forward to, hoped for. But now, it seems that the thought got out of my system. And I think, you did, too.

Isn’t it amazing? I just realized a day after that I just got over you. Yes. I did. I did.

After six painful years of loving you wholly and selflessly, I got over you. It’s just so hard to believe that it took me six years before I forget all the hurt you’ve caused, most of the time, unintentionally. And I am truly happy. I am sincerely happy that I actually did. After doing those foolish, crazy things for the never-perfectly-defined “love” I had for you, I never thought this day would happen. And here I am now, writing yet another piece of me I’d like to share to you.

I just wish that you’ll always be truly happy. I used to believe that although you were one handsome, crazy, indecisive, immature, funny guy, I know you have an inner compassion and gentleness in you. I believed in you. Well, I still do. But maybe, I was just foolish to think I would be the one to bring that out and also, you didn’t let me. But I still believe in you, the “you” I knew and have always loved.

Sometimes, it’s also good for things to be kept unsaid, unexplained because someday, they will be asked and one can only be sure if the person says it in your face with words and talks of the eyes. For the past six years, I never really got the chance to tell you how I feel but I don’t want to. Although, there were times that I thought the only way I could forget you was to tell you everything. But I stopped myself. Because it could make things worse and our friendship would be at risk. I never want that to happen. I will tell you everything, someday.

For now, let me tell you a secret. You know why I loved you the way I always did?

Because although I felt that you know how I feel for you, you never took me for granted. And so, I found myself loving you more. You never took me for granted. You respected me. And I loved you more.

And that is why maybe this day has finally come to make me realize that I have to respect myself too. I loved too much that I forgot to love myself. How can you truly love when you don’t feel love within you?

Well, this isn’t goodbye. I choose to keep the friendship. I’ll also keep the memories. But, for most of the part of the six years, I let go. It’s self- preservation not bitterness. Bitterness creates more rooms of sorrow and suffering in one’s heart, until it kills and love dies a painful death. And hatred will take over.

Happiness is a choice.

And now, I choose to let you go.

P.S. Please always know that I loved you...and when you read this…this is someday.