cynicism

When I was 19, I fell in love. I fell in love with someone I barely knew. He was nice, good looking and he made me feel good about myself. It was July and I clearly remembered how he wrote in a piece of recycled paper that I was one of his favorites among us friends. I wasn’t hoping or at the least thinking that we could be together because that time I didn’t see him that way nor did I ever think he’d see me that way, too. But we ended up being always together, but not that way. He’d talk to me about how his day was and asked me what I did. We’d eat lunch together, sometimes dinner. On my birthday, I came late for an event and when I opened the door, he hugged me in front of our friends whose faces seemed to suggest that something’s going on between us. But really, there was nothing, I guess. He introduced me to his friends and I introduced him to mine. I was happy knowing that he gets along well with them. Once, he got really sick and even if our friends cared, no one was actually taking care of him. When I checked his temperature, I had to rush to buy him some medicine even if that day I had just enough money to last me a week. One late afternoon, we were just hanging out with our friends and he seemed tired and he laid on my lap and just watched me while we both kept silent. He tucked my hair behind my ears and we both just smiled. That late afternoon. One rainy day, while waiting at the shed, he told me about his past and I felt a deep stab inside but I didn’t show it. He asked me to come with him that day but I refused. I had to stop. But then, on Valentines day, he asked if I could come with him for a project he needed to do. There were a lot of people and the place was just crowded and as noisy as the flee market on a Sunday. He played darts and I bet he’ll never have a career on that. He gave me a piece of chocolate he’d won anyways. I bought him a hippy bracelet he’d chosen himself.  I hated him for a while that night because he wouldn’t ride the ferris wheel with me. He said it’d make him nauseous. What a bore! Before dawn, he walked me home. By the end of the school year, we had a house party and aside from darts, he should also be away from alcohol. He was drunk like a gangster and I took care of him. We slept beside each other. It was the shortest night that ever passed. Before he left for law school, he told me he loved me. And I was speechless, not because I didn’t know what to say or how to say it but because I didn’t know what he meant. And I never found the courage to ask. And I was left, alone, confused, but still in love.

When I was 20, I tried to move on, tried to forget about him and everything I’ve always wanted to remember. I never knew it was that hard but I tried. I tried, but in vain.

It was October and my guard was up but I felt I was falling again, this time with someone I’ve known and someone who trusted me. But unlike me, I found him in a state I was in a year ago, in love. I had to listen to his every story about her. And maybe it’s crazy but I kept listening, but without any hopes or thoughts just like before. I was more careful this time. Not even remembering things about us or caring for him like I did before. I thought that if I do this, I’d stay away from the feelings and more importantly, from the hurt. We were close, closer than I ever thought we’d be, but not enough. We spent nights on beer and stories of our lives; what we did, why we did it and why we are still doing it. I had to stay away from him, I realized, but I couldn’t. Maybe I was trying to find something I didn’t find before. There I was hoping again. The only difference is, he didn’t care as much. And I kept hoping, and hoping and hoping. Until finally, the end of the road for him and her came. I didn’t know what to feel because he was getting hurt everyday and I couldn’t do anything about it, not that I can but really hoped I could. It went on for months and the nights we spent together with our friends strengthened the trust we had and worse, the hope I had. I didn’t remember the dates, or what I did for him or what he did for me. I was just there, beside him, happy. I thought I was happier with him because I still had my guard up. But those nights turned into months and a few weeks before my birthday, I told him everything. I thought that it was what I had to do since I never got to do it before with all these feelings drowning inside of me. But it was also the start of the end of something I couldn’t even explain. I stopped talking to him and never went to places where we could see each other. I tried to forget again. I tried, harder this time. But it was more difficult because we were good friends and I missed him so bad. Our friends would invite me to hang out and no matter how much I’d wanted to go to be with them, I refused because I knew he would be there and the scar would be scratched open again and I didn’t want to hurt anymore. Nobody wants to hurt. Suddenly, a month or so after, he told me he missed me. And there I was, wearing that crown of hope again, being stupid again. When I saw him, I had no choice but to look back on everything and I ended up saying sorry for the things I’ve said, which were actually meant but won’t be reciprocated. I often asked myself why I had to go through this. Why did it have to be this way again. But we can never choose the ones we fall for. We can only fall and hope someone would be there and if no one comes, you’ll just have to wipe the dirt off and stand up. But I couldn’t do that easily. Nothing is as easy as having to go through this all over again; worse I gave myself a warning but I never actually minded the red light and kept going. I had to leave and he had to be left behind. But I still have him inside and it was as hard as before. I couldn’t let him go.

When I was 22, I learned that he’ll never see me that way and guess what, I accepted that. He never could. He was gay.

fluff

December 11, 2012

I saw you today and now I’m writing about you again. No worries cause this is less of how you look or how my brain tried to perceive you to be, well, perfect. Gross. I know. But here goes…You were smiling today. Maybe because you were with a friend. I’ve noticed you’re a blabber mouth; less of a blabber mouth than me but you’re chatty. I think you were wearing this clean white polo shirt or something clean. I hadn’t had a good look at how you were dressed today because, well, it’s not as exciting as the new live action “Kenshin Himura” movie. Anyways, I just noticed it seemed like you were losing weight. I had a 30% chance of sitting beside you today and yes, I had the good cards in my hands. I couldn’t even look on my left side because that would definitely mean I had to somehow look your way and I pretended to be innocent the whole time. I noticed you were wearing your black wrist watch again today and it made me wonder where you got that. It’s actually the only thing I liked about how you dress up plus your hair which you recently had to cut to sport a semi one. Argh. “I hate that haircut” will be an understatement. It made you look older and thinner, honestly. Wish you’d know that and grow your hair back a little longer. And wish you’d tuck your shirt in, too. I like it that way. I like you that way.

~jen

velvet

December 10, 2012

I saw you yesterday; you and your usual “dugyot” look as I’ve always described it. You were wearing this polo shirt, a shade darker than an ube-flavored ice cream and your usual pair of black slacks. I was trying to look on the opposite side of our line and if the shuttle is arriving yet but all I’ve noticed is that you haven’t shaved for…two days I suppose. I sat behind you and all throughout the trip, I hoped you’d glance behind. I wished as hard as you leaned against your seat but my wish ended up in vain. All I could stare at as was your arm, your bony wrists and your almost perfectly candle-shaped fingers. I know how hard you work at home but how did those fingers remain seemingly delicate, almost like a woman’s, except for the very obvious contours of a man’s phalanges. I almost involuntarily needed, or so I thought, to touch them but that would just creep everyone out. More so, when you read this, you might imagine, a crazy stalker or worse, a dangerous psycho obsessing over you. Well, that’s just not the case. I just needed to write and there you were, a subject, or yes, an inspiration I guess. See you on our next ride home.

~jen

the letter M

I used to want to spend time with you. I used to hang out with you every chance i get. Sometimes, i even make ways so we can be together. And i was happy, I guess. No, I am saying this ‘cause i was hurt. I wrote you letters before that fateful night; letters which say how much you are making me happy. But now, i cannot say that you made me happy. I want to. But i was only happy cause i was with you and not because of you. I’v realized that. And i feel bad, somehow, realizing how stupid i was trying to spend time with you, doing those things we usually do when we’re bored or got nothing else interesting on our to-do lists when all this time, i was breaking inside. Damn this drama. But, i actually miss you. I really do.

You used to want to hang out with me. You used to always drag me into this spur of the moment things. There are even times when we suddenly realize that there wasn’t a day in a week that we weren’t together. And we’d have so much fun! Yet, somehow, I know you feel that something has changed now. Well, something really did change. We both know that. You know how much i value what we have or, to be more accurate, what we had. With you, it was different, that is why it was more painful.

Now i am running away from you. But you don’t seem to be coming after me. What do I expect? I can never expect. I shouldn’t. And maybe this is what i need. I think this will help. Although i know i need to get more used to being away from you than you do to me, I still hope you care. After all, we are friends. I’m sorry if i’m being unfair, but you know how i feel. You’ve been here before, right? I need this, so please understand. I still want you. I still think about you. I still hope. Because you know, to be honest, I keep hiding away from you hoping that you’ll find me. But i don’t want this foolishness anymore. I’ll continue hiding away from you even if i know that when you find me, you’ll find me but not my heart. So, I leave you and everything else we’ve had.

Maybe we’re better off this way. Yeah, maybe. I guess.

September 8, 2011

to someone i thought i knew

Dear stranger,

            For the longest time, I’ve been trying to write you letters, well, more of poems actually. And now I am writing to you again. But this time, I have no more reservations, I am no longer afraid because you already know the truth. I don’t know if telling you that was actually a good decision. But it proved to be good for me. It helped in a lot of ways but somehow, there’s a part of me which longs for what have been. I know that the moment i decided to tell you, things will eventually change. And I am the kind of person who easily gets bored with stuff. You may not know it but I easily lose interest in things. But not with you. And change is an irony between us.

            The past few days i’ve been wanting to go near those places again where i could see you. I am actually good at making excuses. I am. So, i try to stay around, even for a while giving the lousiest excuses i’ve invented. But i know i shouldn’t anymore. Although i want to live in peace, i know you’ll keep haunting me with those nights and drinks we had. Damn.

            Everything i did was mostly because of you. I wanted to make every moment last. I wanted to extend every second of the day so we could spend more time together. But, as i’ve heard and actually seen, i can only assume that you’ve found another company. Well, as you know, i am also good at assuming.

            Now, i keep on running away from you. I think i should. I should. I should stop. You’ve had too much of me but i never had you. And now everyday i am reminded of that. But this is going nowhere. We are going nowhere so I might as well stop.

            I don’t want to lose our friendship but i think i no longer need that. Let’s not be friends anymore.

P.S. i miss you.

~ Another Stranger

*September 5, 2011 (1:18am) 

reverie

I don’t know exactly how it felt like. It was like dream, a distant memory, a forgotten remembrance. I usually write down what I cannot say but this time, I said what I’ve been trying to compose for a long time.

I gave away a part of myself. No, it didn’t feel like that. It was actually more of, you took away something from me and I couldn’t do anything about it. I was just left perplexed.

And freeing that part of me didn’t actually liberate me but I felt like I was ensnared between what ifs and why not. It wasn’t supposed to end up this way but it did…not like what I was hoping for it would. I know you care but it feels like you don’t.

When you found me, I found you. Yet, I forgot how it felt like. I know I’ve been happy but now I doubt if I really was. Memories are as elusive as happiness.

I will now live in a different world. Away from you, I guess. This is not what I planned but all of that was my choice, after all. Change is inevitable but time will keep me company for awhile. I don’t know if I still want you…’cause sometimes, I’d run away from you, like I am doing now, but deep inside I want you to follow. Foolishness, they say.

But, things happened, words were said and we can no longer turn back time. That’s one of life’s consequences, sometimes, there are no second chances and even if we are given that, it’s not always the same. I do not wish for you to be miserable ‘cause that’s too immature. I wouldn’t wish for you to be find someone now ‘cause that’s would make me sound like a hypocrite. I just want you to know that you deserve to be loved but I believe you are not worth mine.

August 20, 2011 (McDo Philcoa)

sentiments

i miss it when i used to tell you to get a haircut and the following week, you sport a new one. i bet nobody's told you yet, but i think it's that time again.

i miss it when you used to secretly whisper to me or discretely tell me about some things you've been up to lately or things that simple interest you. i miss that.

i miss it everytime our inside jokes play out well and we just laugh our hearts out even if sometimes we are the only ones who can relate to it.

i miss those..ok, i miss you. isn't this proof enough.

i miss you. period.